


The Darkness

by babyboytroye



Category: Tracob - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 18:37:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9284918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babyboytroye/pseuds/babyboytroye
Summary: "Light is easy to love. Show me your darkness."





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is so unbelievably dark for me. So please, if you are triggered easily read with caution.

_You dipped your toes into the darkness,_

 

 

He was always happy.

 

The frail boy Jacob had fallen in love with always had a smile on his face. He never failed to put a smile on everyone’s face. He didn’t have to try hard to make everyone laugh. Jacob always saw Troye as his light for dark times, leading him through the endless tunnels of stress and self doubt. He always knew what to say to make Jacob feel whole again.

 

It kills Jacob that he didn’t see it sooner.

 

When did the light in Troye's eyes start to dim? When did the weight on Jacob's shoulders begin to get heavy when Troye started to lean on him? When did the grip on Jacob's hand begin to tighten? When did Troye start to have thoughts like this?

 

The image is burned into his mind and filling up the empty spaces in his heart. He can’t stop replaying it in his head. His dainty wrists covered in blood. His nimble fingers clutching onto the knife; the empty look in his eyes.

 

  
_As though to test if it was cold,_

 

 

“I only wanted to see how it would feel.” Troye muttered coldly, wet eyes staring down at the gash he made on his arm. “Promise.” Jacob bit his lip as tears started to build up in his own eyes.

 

“ _Baby_.” Jacob choked out, falling onto his knees and crawling towards the broken boy on the bathroom floor. He hesitantly wrapped an arm around his small waist, tugging gently. When Troye didn’t fight against his grip he tugged harder, putting the boy onto his lap. Jacob pushed his nose against his cheek, tears running down his own. “Tell me why.”

 

“I was just curious.” Troye rested his head lightly on Jacob's chest, taking a long shaky breath as he did so. “It won’t stop bleeding.”

 

Jacob carefully coaxed his frail body into standing, hands resting gently on his hips. He let go to grab a clean towel, only to have to grab onto Troye again when he paled and lost his balance. Jacob's arms wrapped around his waist securely, holding up most of Troye's body weight. He leaned down slightly and spoke in a panicked voice. “Easy, baby.” He felt Troye's head rest heavily onto his chest. “Talk to me.”

 

“M’ going to pass out.” His words were slurred, his eyes shut tightly. Jacob looked down at him worriedly, looked at the puddle of blood that was surrounding them and the blood dripping down Troye's delicate hand. He effortlessly lifted up his body, sitting him on the counter. He placed a hand on his thigh as he grabbed the towel hanging on the towel rack. He bent down and gently moved Troye's legs so he could grab the bottle of peroxide they kept under the sink. He poured some onto the towel and gently grabbed Troye's arm, bending down slightly to meet his eyes.

 

“This might hurt, my love.” Troye met his gaze with his own lifeless blue eyes, face paler than usual and sweat glistening his skin. He pressed the towel firmly to the deep self-inflicted gash on his wrist, placing gentle kisses on Troye's face when he flinched. “I’ve got you.” Troye whimpered, eyes squeezed shut tightly.

 

“I’ve got you.”

 

  
_And I knew right when you shivered,_

 

 

“Let’s get you to bed.” Jacob muttered quietly after he wrapped Troye's wrist in gauze. He stood in between his legs, hands hovering over his hips. “Hold onto me.” Troye slowly lifted his hands and wrapped his arms around Jacob's neck, letting him slide him off the sink and into his arms. Jacob's own hands firmly held Troye by the back of his thighs, carefully carrying him to their bedroom.

 

“I can walk just fine.” Troye muttered into Jacob's neck, body melting into the soft sheets when Jacob gently put him down onto their bed. Troye curled his body up, flinching when he felt the bed dip next to him. He felt large hands softly grab at his forearms, pulling him so their bodies were pressed together.

 

“We have to talk about this.”

 

Troye shook his head, body shaking as he let out a harsh sob. “I told you, I was curious.” His voice wavered at the words. “It was a one time thing.”

  
Jacob didn’t believe him.

 

 

_You were more scared than you had told,_

 

 

“Don’t you understand?” Jacob turned the boy in his arms so that they were facing each other. “This is something people get addicted to, Troye. This is something people die from.” Troye flinched at his words, eyes shining with unshed tears.

 

“I will never do it again.” His words came out shaky and weak. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to block out the voice that kept ringing over and over in his head.

 

“ **No you won’t**.” It keeps shouting, louder and louder as he fought to make it go away. A silent battle within himself.

 

Jacob just sighed and tightened his grip on the boy. “I love you, petal.”

 

Troye looked up at the nickname, face lighting up in a smile he couldn’t contain. He let out a giggle, watching Jacob's face mirror his own as he lifted a shaky finger to poke at Jacob’s pink lips. “Petal?”

 

Jacob laughed quietly, frowning quickly after and clearing his throat. “Yes, petal.” He said confidently. “Because you’re my pretty little petal.”

 

  
_I wrote my words into a life ring,_  
_Something to keep your words afloat,_

 

 

It only got worse from there.

 

Every time Jacob looked into his eyes, those blue beautiful eyes, he saw this darkness. Behind every smile he saw the dullness in his eyes, saw the way he walked around with his shoulders hunched as if something was pulling him down. _Jacob was losing him_.

 

He wouldn’t leave their bed. It’s been a whole week since Jacob has seen the boy anywhere but the bedroom and he was beyond worried. But despite the fear eating him up, he told himself that tomorrow would be better.

 

So of course the next morning he expected Troye to be out of bed and like his old self, waking Jacob up by jumping on the bed and singing at the top of his lungs.

 

But Jacob woke up first, to the unmoving body next to him that has made that spot his very own safe place. He even put his head to Troye's bony chest to check if the kid was even _breathing_.

 

“Are you really going to spend another day locked in the room?” He didn’t mean for it to come out the way it did, so cold and bitter. But he was tired from staying up hours to make sure Troye didn’t wake up in the middle of the night to harm himself again and he was scared of what was becoming of the boy he so dearly loved.

 

All he got was a nod in response, making him roll his eyes and scratch at his scalp roughly.

 

“I honestly don’t even know what to do with you anymore, Troye.” He saw his body tense noticeably.

 

“Leave me.” It was so quiet that if Jacob had breathed at that very moment he wouldn’t of had heard it.

 

“Is that what you want? For me to give up on you?” Jacob stood up angrily, hands pulling roughly at his wavy locks of hair as he paced the room. “I love you! I’m not just going to up and leave when it gets too hard.”

 

Troye sat up unexpectedly, making Jacob jump slightly at the sudden movement. He threw the pillow his head was lying on across the room. “I’m crazy, Jacob!” Tears began to build up in his eyes, the most emotion he had shown in _days_. “I know you want the old Troye back; believe me I have _tried_ to get him back. But I can’t find him!” He raised a hand to point at his head. “He’s not up here anymore.”

 

Jacob sighed tiredly, walking over to the bed and sitting down next to the boy he loved. “Talk to me.” Troye looked anywhere but at his eyes. “Please, just tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”

 

“You’ll leave if I tell you.”

 

Jacob shook his head angrily, raising his hands to firmly cup Troye's sunken cheeks. “I love you.” He shook him gently with each word, the words finally getting Troye to meet his eyes with his own dull blue. “Get that through your thick ass, beautiful skull.” Troye bit back a smile, cheeks flushing at the way Jacob wouldn’t take his eyes off of him. “Light is easy to love.”

 

Troye tilted his head slightly at his words, eyebrows knitting together in confusion.

 

“Show me your darkness.”

 

 

  
_But against the strength of your nightmare,_  
_They were a soggy paper boat,_

 

 

Jacob didn’t expect the darkness to be so… _dark_.

 

He came home one day to a silent house, mind already going on overdrive. He saw the light on in the bedroom, walking toward the room slowly, cautiously. As he walked, he couldn’t help but prepare himself of what he could find in there

 

He never knew these days.

 

“Babe?” He entered the room, eyes widening at the scene surrounding him.

 

There were pictures, everywhere.

 

There were Polaroids of arms littered with cuts, some dripping blood and some looking like old scabs. In one there were bloody words carved into someone’s chest, words Jacob couldn’t quite make out. There was more pictures of bloody thighs and more pictures of bloody arms and chests and hips. Jacob took a longer look at the pictures with tears shining in his eyes.

 

Those were Troye's delicate thighs.

Those were Troye's delicate arms.

Those were Troye's bloody hips and chest.

 

Jacob felt nauseous, body leaning heavily against a nearby wall before he collapsed. His eyes darted across the room, spotting Troye standing there staring at him.

 

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Troye's eyes were wide, looking for acceptance and appreciation.

 

But this wasn’t okay.

 

“Troye, what the fuck is this?”

 

“It’s art.”

 

Jacob shook his head, eyes filling up with tears. He walked over to Troye, snatching the pile of pictures he was holding in his hands.

 

His bloody hands.

 

“Did you do this to yourself?” Troye avoided his eyes, mumbling nonsense under his breath before hastily walking over to fix a fallen picture. Jacob could only watch, in disbelief that this is what his boyfriend was becoming. Jacob ripped the pictures in his hands angrily, letting out a loud sob as he did so and throwing it on the floor. “ANSWER ME!”

 

Troye jumped in fear, wide blue eyes shifting to look at the torn pictures on the floor. “Yes.” His voice was so quiet, no louder than a whisper; but Jacob heard it.

 

“I’m taking you to a hospital.” He walked over and roughly grabbed Troye's small wrists. If he wasn’t so angry he would have felt bad about how rough he was being. He was always so gentle with his boy, made sure he treated him like glass. But right now he was beyond livid and _terrified_.

 

Troye fought back though, roughly pulling away from Jacob's grip. “No! I'm twenty fucking one years old, Jacob. You can’t force me into some hospital without my consent.”

 

Jacob walked closer to him, Troye's nose almost brushing his chest as his body towered over him. “Watch me.” He looked scared, wide blue eyes staring up at Jacob.

 

“I'm leaving then.” He stormed away, grabbing a sweatshirt and his phone before walking out of the room. Jacob followed closely behind.

 

“Where do you think you’re going?”

 

“Somewhere. Anywhere away from you. I’ll find a place to stay.”

 

Then he left.

 

  
_I don't know what the darkness told you,_  
_What wondrous things it planned to give,_

 

 

It was hours before Troye came back to Jacob. It was hours of Jacob calling all of Troye's friends and pacing worriedly in the living room before the door opened.

 

“Where the hell have you been?” Jacob exclaimed, walking over to Troye and grabbing him roughly around his waist. He pulled him closer and embraced him tightly, feeling Troye's body shake from the cold outside.

 

“I went for a walk.” Jacob pulled away and looked Troye over, eyes scanning his body to make sure all was good. “I lost track of time. I'm sorry.”

 

“I was so worried.” Jacob leaned down so their noses were brushing, hands rubbing soothing patterns onto Troye's waist. He roughly smashed their lips together causing Troye to gasp weakly and rest his hands on Jacob's chest to steady himself.

 

Troye pulled away slightly. “I’m okay.”

 

“No you’re not, Tro.” Jacob leaned down to place gentle kisses on his long neck. “We need to talk.” He nipped at the spot he knows drives Troye crazy, pulling the skin between his teeth to suck slightly.

 

“Okay.” Troye replied breathlessly, eyes closing as he focused on the sensations running through his whole body.

 

“You can’t keep doing this to yourself.” Jacob pushed him roughly against the wall, hand resting on Troye's thigh so he can lift it to rest on his hip. Troye gasped at the new position.

 

“Okay.”

 

Jacob rubbed his crotch against Troye's, causing the two to gasp. “Tell me. Tell me you won’t do it again.” Troye bit his lip, hands clutching onto Jacob tightly. Jacob growled low in his throat, hips pinning Troye's against the wall and rubbing harder.

 

“Ah!” Troye gasped, head leaning down to rest on Jacob's shoulder. Jacob leaned down slightly so his nose touched the side of Troye’s neck.

 

“Say it.”

 

“I won’t do it again.” Troye moaned, hands finding their way to Jacob's hair and pulling hard.

 

It was enough.

 

  
_But I watched how the light died in your eyes,_  
_Along with your will to live,_

 

 

Jacob never found pictures like that again. He tricked his mind into believing that maybe, it was over. Maybe Troye got himself better and wasn’t harming himself anymore.

 

Sometimes he liked to believe he imagined it. Imagined the life drain from Troye's body. Imagined the darkness that had succumbed the boy. But then he found him.

 

He was standing on a chair, a long rope tied tightly around his neck while the other end was tied to the ceiling fan. Jacob's eyes widened, dropping all of his belongings while he sprinted to the boy.

 

“Stop!” Jacob tackled him to the ground, making sure to cushion Troye’s body as they made impact with the floor.

 

“Let me go!” Troye screamed, hands roughly pushing Jacob away. He stood up, eyes wide with tears and body shaking with tremors. He dug his nails into his arm, clawing at the skin and drawing blood.

 

“Baby, please.” Jacob stood up and forced the panicking boy into his chest, long body shielding the smaller one in his arms.

 

Eventually, Troye's body stopped shaking and he stopped fighting back, body going lax in Jacob's arms. Jacob pulled away to run his finger gently along the marks on Troye's neck. He leaned down to place a gentle kiss on the mark, feeing Troye shiver under his lips.

 

“I’m numb.” Jacob froze at those words, head leaning away to look at him.

 

“You need help.”

 

“Okay.”

 

  
_I screamed your name to pierce the silence,_  
_But you were too long gone to hear,_

 

 

They made a deal, if Troye didn’t go to the hospital then he had to see a therapist three times a week.

 

Though the therapist couldn’t tell Jacob anything about their sessions, Jacob still asked about them. One day when Jacob asked if he was getting better, the therapist sighed and looked Jacob in the eye. “This is a big step for him, it’s going to take time.”

 

To be honest, Jacob didn’t care about how much time it took, he just wanted his baby back.

 

He could see how much Troye was trying. He could see how much recovery was taking out of him. Some days were worse than others. So Jacob always made sure to reassure his boy.

 

“You’re doing so well.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“You’re going to get better.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“I’m proud of you.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Jacob sighed sadly. “I love you.”

 

Troye finally looked at him, blue eyes holding an emotion Jacob couldn’t quite read. “I know.”

 

Jacob smiled at that, always happy to know that his love was felt.

 

“I can’t picture a life without you.”

 

“It goes on.”

 

  
_Caught somewhere between being noticed,_  
_And wanting to disappear,_

 

  
Jacob never understood what Troye wanted.

 

He had dreams. Dreams of getting a record deal and releasing music of his very own. Dreams of having millions of adoring fans around the world and making an impact with his words.

 

Now he seemed trapped in a shell of his thoughts and darkness. He was walking an endless tunnel that didn’t seem to have a light at the end of it.

 

Family was everything to him before, but now he hasn’t talked to them in months. He never answered his mom’s calls or his dad's tweets. He never got on social media anymore to tweet his fans.

 

He wasn’t the same.

 

_You once said that you were scared of darkness,_  
_And you'd never learn to swim,_

 

  
Jacob remembers a time when Troye radiated nothing but light and positivity. He remembers when he’d look in those blue eyes whenever he needed reassurance. And god- how he misses the sweet laugh that he used to love so dearly.

 

He remembers one night, when they had first met, they were lying down on blankets Jacob had set out on his patio. They were drinking, Troye being just a bit more tipsy than Jacob because he was a lightweight (though he wouldn’t admit it to Jacob's face.)

 

Somehow they had started to talk about famous artists who didn’t get to make it very far in life. How they had fallen in a deep, dark hole of nothingness; something that wasn’t unfamiliar in fame.

 

He remembers- God he remembers the look of pure vulnerability on Troye's face, he could see the sorrow in his eyes for the people he had never met before. It was the moment he saw how truly big Troye's heart was. He had a heart of pure gold that loved so strongly, so widely.

 

“Are you scared of it?” Jacob had asked.

 

Troye’s eyes had furrowed in confusion. “Scared of what?”

 

“Of that kind of darkness.”

 

Troye's eyes had softened in realization of what Jacob had meant. Jacob remembers Troye closing his eyes in thought, remembers missing those light blue eyes the minute they were closed, how he wanted them to open so he could stare at them longer. “I’m terrified.” His was raw, raw with emotion and fear.

 

He remembers the feeling of Troye's soft hand in his. He could never forget the sensation he felt throughout his body when their hands touched.

 

“I’d save you.” Jacob had whispered so quietly, a promise said so quietly into the night air. It was a promise so genuine, so fierce. A promise he wouldn’t break.

 

That night they shared their first kiss.

 

 

_But with it's promises pumped through your veins_  
_You held your breath and jumped right in_

 

  
Turns out, Troye didn’t want to be saved.

 

Jacob doesn’t know what it was like inside his mind. He couldn’t feel the darkness lurking in every corner, nor could he hear the promises it had to offer.

 

Promises much stronger than his own.

 

But when he found him on their bathroom floor, bile covering his face and a empty pill bottle in his hand, he knew the darkness had won.

 

“No, Troye, no.” Jacob sobbed. He got onto his knees, hands frantically going to press against the pulse point on his neck.

 

It was faint.

 

His skin was cold and pale, the color making him look like a porcelain doll. Jacob hurriedly pulled his phone out of his pocket, dialing 911 as he cradled the small, lifeless body into his chest.

 

“You’re okay.” Jacob murmured quietly into his hair. “I forgive you, baby.”

 

The ride to the hospital was painful.

 

Jacob watched as the paramedics did all that they could for the boy. His eyes stared at his body, a body that he knew far better than his own. A body he spent so much time studying in the morning when he waited for him to wake up. He could tell you the number of birth marks that are on that body, could tell you the story of how he got that tiny scar on his hand like he was there. He knows the exact number of freckles that mar his cheeks, can tell how the boy was feeling just by his body language.

 

Those cold, purple lips always smiled at everything Jacob said. He could hear his laugh, holding that sound so close to his heart. He has to hold in a sob when he starts to think about the lovely voice that goes past those lips. The way that voice said his name, the way it sounded in the morning. The way it sounded when he cried or was in pain or was happy. The way it sounded when he said ‘I love you.’

 

 _And those eyes,_ those beautiful eyes Jacob always couldn't wait to see. A flash of soothing blue that always knew how to comfort him.

 

He waits in the waiting room for hours.

 

He hasn’t looked up since he’s gotten there, hands slightly warm and clammy from whispering prayers into them. He feels like he’s died a thousand deaths, heart straining in his chest from all of the stress and worry.

 

It is surely bent, but not broken.

 

The sides of his heart are crinkled and worn, doing all that it can to make it through. There’s an ache felt deep within it, an emptiness that only Troye could fill.

 

_He’s going to be okay._

 

Those words have been engraved in his mind so somehow his heart could believe it, so maybe it could relax just a bit.

 

His heart lurches when he hears the doctor call out, it also flinches when it hears his name. It cracks just a bit when Jacob stands up from his seat, but remains strong as he takes each step towards the doctor. His heart hurries to fix the crack that has been made, as well as calm itself as his heartbeat picks up. As Jacob stands before the doctor it gives him every last ounce of its strength to give him the strength that he needs to get through this.

 

“How is he?” He doesn’t even recognize his own voice.

 

 

 

  
“I'm sorry.”

 

He hears it shatter before he can feel it.


End file.
